Daily Ponder

Killer

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 07:30:03 -0400

I killed 2 or 3 flies yesterday. I took the flyswatter from where it hangs by the basement door and thought, maybe just holding it is enough to keep all these flies away from me, my kitchen, my food. But, after many years of practice, habit took over and I swatted at one on the chopping block. I think I held back slightly at the very end and maybe I just stunned him (thusly “2 or 3”) but I definitely killed the next 2 that alighted on the block.
8 months into the year and I hadn’t killed anything except for the exceptional bug-up-the-nose or spider unintentionally in the vacuum cleaner – and, who’s to say that these actually died? Needless to say, my year of no intentional killing of any other living being, has ended. Now the question is, can I maintain my “2 or 3” status or will I do it again?

Perfect

Sun, 15 Aug 2010 08:39:58 -0400

I’ve always considered the term “perfect” a four-letter word…. But I’ve changed my thinking. Perfect is good; like yin-yang, balance… what is unique about each of us that attracts us to eachother. All your idiosyncrasies make me like you – make me want to spend time with you – they make you perfect for me. Your odd sense of humor is perfect. How you get worked-up over drivers in parking lots makes your perfect. How your voicemails go on and on and on is one of your perfections. The way you belch after every meal is endearing to me and I think you are a perfect friend.

On my Soapbox I

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 09:04:05 -0400

A woman in Buffalo is arrested for adultery and another woman is fired from her job in Florida for fornication. These are gaping opportunities screaming to be filled with the voices of individuals on either side (or even in the middle) of these issues. We should all take this opportunity to voice our opinions on overturning laws or upholding laws or changing laws. We should let our government officials know where we stand so that they can decide where they stand (because that’s the way it’s supposed to work, right?). These opportunities exist NOW and now is the time to speak up.

Headlights

Thu, 3 Jun 2010 18:04:36 -0400

I suddenly wanted to know which headlight was out on the cars I’d passed this morning. I know that they were saabs, both of them, one right after the other, just down the street from my house, both coming towards me going south as I headed north. I wondered at the time if they knew that my car was a saab, if they’d even noticed and if they caught a glimpse of my yin-yang replacement emblem where the saab emblem used to be and had worn off. But, I can’t seem to remember which headlight was out just that one was out on each of the cars. Now, the brake light was out on the car infront of me… the left one was out. That can’t be a sign because it doesn’t make any sense unless it was just to remind me about the headlights that had been out earlier. That would be symbolic. As now, laying on the doctor’s table, getting a sonogram to look for something that showed up on the mammogram, and the follow-up mammogram, I’m having an examination of my right headlight. So, if the right headlight were out on the cars I passed, what would that be trying to tell me?

simple connecting

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 15:44:01 -0400

I made a connection this morning in the simplest, basest, truest sense of the word: giving and receiving.
Someone I don’t know, found a wonderful moment and wanted to share it and knew that I would enjoy it so, took a photo and emailed it to me.
These moments are what make the world a better place. She gave of her time, to make her moment better, extend the good feeling, pass it on, knowing that it would be appreciated. Her desire, an action then, the receiving. The appreciation on this end for not only the wonderful feelings that the photo conjured-up but also the appreciation of the desire and effort put into the giving.
The positive energy created by a giving and receiving moment as simple as this is extremely powerful and so easy to create. No limitations, prerequisites, requirements…. Only the effort needed to share a smile.

Love and a wandering mind

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 12:22:39 -0500

A good friend has asked me to write about love. What is successful love? Good love stories inspired by friends.
I am currently studying “love” but not individual relationships, one’s “love” relationship with the world.
I believe that a person’s capacity for love has a direct effect on their understanding of the effect of “love” on the force that connects all of us and leads to happiness. This needs more explanation…..
The act of delving into one’s capacity for love leads to a natural growth of that capacity. Seeing and feeling the effect of loving others, feeds the soul and creates more love for more people. It is a window into a great force that connects all of us – whatever you might individually call it – love transcends our individual needs and wants – the world we’ve created in our minds and our homes. Knowing that we are connected to everyone else and that our capacity for love has a direct effect on that connection, lets us know we are part of something huge and important – it lets us see our souls and know the truth.
And, just because we have the answer and understand the purpose, doesn’t mean it becomes easy to live it – I was depressed yesterday. I took the advice of my favorite yogi who says “spend some time with your anger, depression, (whatever feeling it is) like you go to a movie” “take it out, make a date with it, spend time feeling and exploring it. Then, like leaving the theatre after the movie is over, walk away from it, close a door on it and move on” It doesn’t mean that you won’t visit it again but, for now, spend time with something else.
So, yesterday, I gave myself permission to spend some time with my depression and try to not become angry with myself for feeling it, as I usually would have done. Instead of escalating my depression to anger which inevitably becomes more anger (a game I play with myself: “what’s the thing in the world that makes me angriest?”), I allowed myself to feel sad, take things slow, not push, force and actually sat down and watched “Troubled Water” on HBO, an intense video documentary made by people who experienced Katrina from the Ninth Ward. Not seeking revelation i.e. I’m so much better off than they, no purpose, just experience. The same reason I put down the camera during events – just experience what is going on, be a part of it, feel it, share it – don’t just watch from the outside – What will I feel in the future looking at these? Won’t I have a more intense feeling remembering what I have personally experienced than looking at what other people experienced through a photograph?

Gravity

Mon, 6 Jul 2009 06:53:52 -0400

My body continually renegotiating its relationship with the earth.

Simon

Tue, 2 Jun 2009 08:56:41 -0400

Simon’s not here this morning – you need to understand, he’s always here. Ever since he was dropped off by a neglectful, criminal, ignorant and selfish owner and found our cat door, the catfood, then the next cat door that leads into the back hall, then the kitchen, livingroom couches and finally, our bed.
As soon as I roll over in the morning, he wakes up from his slumber near my feet and climbs up the bed to rub his head on my face or hand or any bare skin he can find.
Then down the back stairs with Cula and to the kitchen to talk to me as I feed the dogs.
Don’t get me wrong - I don’t like the cat. It’s all in the routine since July of 2007 when he acclimated to the other residents in the house (as much as the relationships would evolve) and declared himself a resident as well. He learned what play is at our house. At first he thought the animals who were actually willing to give him a chance, were attacking him and after fighting back then surrendering showing a tender underbelly, he realized that they didn’t plan to hurt him and gradually began swinging paws, chasing, being chased and then finding small toys, even leaves, and entertaining himself. Upon moving in, he quickly gained a lot of weight, then lost it with play and activity. I believe he may have been hit by a car several weeks ago. He dragged his back leg for a couple days then walked tender on it for a week thereafter. He often has puncture wounds on his legs as a result of fighting with other cats or hunting bunnies who are larger than they appear at a distance.
Simon is the cat who has delivered baby bunnies to the house, the last two of which I could not save and yesterday, delivered a small bird who had yet to find his flight. I carried him (the bird) across the road from where he was birdnapped and attempted a return to his home or parents or fosters – anyone who might take him in. It seemed the best option. Good thing I am a positive person.
The first feeling this morning upon the realization that Simon was not in the kitchen with me was relief. Yes, this from the person who saves birds and rabbits and rescues dogs. The next thought was the urgency of glancing up and down the roadside. If he is there, dead on the road, victim to the tire, I hope Michael moves him, boxes or bags him, before he leaves for school. I’ll dig the hole, prep for the ceremony later tonight.
Stepping outside, there’s Simon – not on the road but running to me from the yard. Talking, rubbing on my leg, purring. Shit. Not the story-ending I was looking for.

Another Morning

Fri, 29 May 2009 05:34:49 -0400

4:30 – out of the covers and down the stairs. Dogs and cat trotting behind; wait for the light to see the steps then race to the kitchen. Small dog takes a quick detour through the cat door to survey the back porch. Pause for the coffee then out for the morning lawn patrol and pee. Another rainy day. Smell of angry skunk in the air.
Breakfast served 5am. Silence behind the crunching of food. Small dog waits her turn to lean into big dog bowl and steal a kibble. Rewind, continue 15 minute loop. Big dog back upstairs to bed. Little dog’s head resting on my leg – sleep in the comfort of knowing when legs move, its next stage of morning.

Sunday Morning Easy

Sun, 24 May 2009 06:59:39 -0400

There’s a Sunday morning satisfaction. Even with no religion, there’s an innate “rest” affiliated with Sunday – a proud “we’ve made it through another week” with achievements, if no other than living through another week. And, even with plans on Sunday, Sunday morning is the respite – the sit back and take-it-in. the drink coffee, feel the quiet. Sunday morning – we expect nothing of ourselves and no one expects anything of us. Easy